February 2011
58 posts
Alert & Oriented times 2?
My orientation to time has basically gone to hell. Trying to maintain it hasn’t been going so well, so I’m tempted to not really try.
Twice in the last couple days I misjudged an hour. I think last night I went to sleep at 2a and woke up at 7a. This is the second time this has happened. At some point recently I went to bed at 1 a and woke up at 3a with no idea where or when I was and...
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A promise to myself, and an open letter to my last...
I never get used to the callers who just put the phone down, and cry and scream; instead of letting me give them CPR instructions.
If the day ever comes that sitting and listening to that doesn’t break my heart a little every time, I will find something else to do with my life.
I’ve repeated this promise in my head thousands of times. Tonight I’m writing it down.
I’m...
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911: Things we would like to say...
The following 911 PSA offered by my completely genius cop dispatcher buddy.
Dear Caller,
Please do not attempt to use ersatz cop-talk you piece together from watching Law and Order reruns.
No, you were not verbally assaulted.
We cannot charge someone with battery because he called you a ho-bag.
(this is regardless of whether or not you are or are not actually a ho-bag)
Really.
Thank you...
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911 Wisdom
If someone in your home often has hallucinations of people who aren’t actually there, it is might not be a good idea to keep weapons in the house.
Even if it is just a small machete.
Just saying.
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Conversations with The Dog: Home Repair
After the almost stabbing myself with the exacto blade, you would think I would be a little more cautious working around the house late at night, especially while home alone.
You’d be wrong.
The other night I was up on the step ladder painting trim, and with my usual natural grace and astuteness, I forgot which side of the step ladder the steps were actually on…and managed to knock...
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Anonymous Attacks Westboro Baptist Church After... →
Oh Fred Phelps & WBC, you really ought not to have tangled with hackers…really really.
I doubt very much that this will be the end of godhatesfags dot com, or their funeral picketing, or ANY of their picketing…but we’ll see.
Going to have to keep my eye on this drama.
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Open Letter to the month of February
Dear February,
Listen.
I think I’ve been more than reasonable.
I mean… I recycle, I try to be conscious about my carbon footprint. I feel that I have done my part to try and combat climate change.
So, I don’t think it’s particularly considerate that you persist in trying to do this whole “Winter” nonsense. We should be well on our way to Spring now, and...
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911: Things we would like to say...
The following 911 PSA is offered from one of my fantastic cop dispatcher buddies.
Dear Caller,
Please do not use words you do not understand and cannot pronounce in a misguided attempt to impress me and somehow hasten a response.
No, you cannot be anomy-nous.
No one can. Because it’s not a word.
Thank You.
(Note: Your friendly resident fire dispatcher has a whole series of...
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““It’s not easy to believe.”
“I,” she told him,...”
– from American Gods by Neil Gaiman
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911 Wisdom: Punching is Bad
Punching someone in the face who is having a seizure will not cause the seizure to stop.
If the 911 dispatcher tells you to tell the person who is punching the person who is having a seizure to STOP punching the person who is having a seizure, that does not mean that YOU should go punch the person having the seizure.
No one should punch the person having the seizure.
Stop punching people.
...
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Shannon Loves Ovaltine
The best part of this ridiculousness is that Don & Shannon recieved this FROM DON’S FATHER.
I love my uncle. He’s so awesome.
More on this later…
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Conversations with The Dog: The Dress Uniform
What are you doing? Huh? Huh? What?
Hush Dog. I’m trying to figure out the web camera to take a picture of the dress uniform for my Mom, if you must know…
Hmmmm…maybe I will be smarter with glasses…
OK. Right. Back up in 3…2…1…
Dammit. Stupid technology. Hey, Dog…go wake up your Dad. He’ll help me.
Man… can’t you...
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911 Wisdom
Calling a friend to ask them to call 911 for you is not a good plan.
It is especially not a good plan if your friend happens to be 2000 miles away from you.
It becomes an extra special not-a-good plan with whip cream, sprinkles and cherry on top if the emergency that you are calling to report involves you being in a boat by yourself somewhere on a body of water.
If your boating emergency might...
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“Some people wear their heart up their sleeve
I wear mine underneath my right pant leg, strapped to my boot.
Don’t think ‘cause I’m easy, I’m naive.
Don’t think I won’t take it out, don’t think I won’t shoot.”
- Ani Difranco
Image a reproduction of “Keep Loving, Keep Fighting” woodcut by Dalia Sapon-Shevin. Crafted during the...
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Studs Terkel, the oral historian, was known to admonish friends who would read his books but leave them free of markings. He told them that reading a book should not be a passive exercise, but rather a raucous conversation.
exerpted from http://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/21/books/21margin.html?_r=1
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911 Wisdom
No good ever comes after the phrase, “I don’t want to gross you out, but…”
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I knew full well that doing the crisis center thing was going to challenge some of my habits and patterns.
For example, although I train people on Listening Comprehension in order to be a good dispatcher, it’s focused listening to gain specific information. Not just listening to listen, to be simply a compassionate person listening to another human.
As a dispatcher it’s also all...
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“If you’re really listening, if you’re awake to the poignant beauty...”
– Andrew Harvey
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911 Wisdom: Clarification about CO
CO or Carbon Monoxide is an odorless colorless gas that can make you sick or dead.
CO2 or Carbon Dioxide is that stuff you exhale.
You should have a CO detector in your house.
You don’t have a CO2 detector in your house.
If you think you have too much CO2, please go buy some plants.
(breathing less is a bad option)
If you think you have too much CO, you should call 911
If your CO...
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Adventures in responsibility
We live in a 60 year old house, that we bought a few of years ago.
After ignoring the house’s needs for the last year or two, I’m finally being good and trying to impersonate a responsible homeowner.
It’s like impersonating a grownup, only more expensive…and occasionally more comically dangerous.
For example, I just almost stuck myself in the ass with an exacto blade...
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“I know you are reading this poem
late, before leaving your office
of the one...”
– from Atlas of a Difficult World by Adrienne Rich
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From the Interwebz, last night
Friend: I want to post something exciting. I am drinking tea.
Me: Is it exciting tea?
Friend: No, Lipton. Boring.
Me: Are you drinking it in an exciting manner? Or wearing a cape?
This has now led to a household determination that the only approved exception to the "No Capes!" directive is for drinking tea. Drinking tea now in fact might have to require a cape.
Good thing I prefer coffee. I would hate to accidentally get sucked into a jet engine just trying to stay caffienated.
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From the 911 archives
“So we broke the light bulb in the fridge, and it fell and we couldn’t get it. Then my daughter came over and she finally got it out, but what I really want to know is - is it safe to leave the fridge without a light bulb until morning?”
::blink, blink::
No ma’am. The penguins who turn the light on and off will organize into a violent bloodthirsty mob if you don’t...
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So.
Suicide hotline training began today.
They compared it to Fight Club.
I think I like these people. I think I like them a lot.
In other news I have had 2 hours of sleep in the last 32 hours.
I do not like that at all, but it was an unavoidable complication.
However, I have roughly 14 hours allotted for sleeping starting at 0130 hours.
Good times.
Tomorrow:
get snap-crackle-popped by...
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911 Wisdom
No matter how drunk you are, do not go into the bathroom of a gas station and take a big bite out of the urinal cake.
Now my friends, go forth and have a good day…because you have GOT to be doing better than that guy.
… and may you never, EVER, be that drunk.
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This morning I was reminded that one of my favorite things about working the night shift is driving home and seeing the sunrise. A calm, beautiful day beginning. Snowy trees and fields…
I walk in the door to my house, to be greeted by The Dog wearing a small stuffed monkey on his back and Don laughing maniacally.
Then Shannon came home and we chatted about her schizophrenics from last...
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Full Bieber tonight?
It’s been rather busy at work tonight, more so than your average Friday night even.
Normally, someone tries to blame this on a full moon.
One of my co-workers just blamed it on the Justin Bieber movie opening.
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This is my other reason
This is something I wrote a couple of years ago, addressed mostly to a group of friends on a different forum…but I’ve been thinking about it a lot with moving forward with doing the suicide hotline thing, so I thought I would share it here as well.
I should be sleeping, but I have a story in my head that’s been clunking about for a bit and I think that when I do go to bed I...
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911 Wisdom: Just so you know...
Barbecue Sauce is actually a food-like product.
If you feed a spoonful of it to your 9 month old, mistaking it for baby food, you do not have to call 911. Or Poison Control.
It will all be OK.
That is all. Move along now…
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911 Wisdom
Never, ever, when assisting someone in administering an Epi Pen, put said Epi Pen in your mouth.
